I don’t know where I belong. There are two worlds where I half fit in.
I met a deaf person today. It was the first time I ever met anyone who was just like me. He wore hearing aids and spoke, but he also used sign language to communicate. I never learned sign language.
He laughed at me. How could I be deaf and not know sign language? He was baffled. I became embarrassed and I yelled at him for being rude and ran off.
I hope I never run into him again. I’m embarrassed for myself that I yelled at him. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t know sign language.
I realized then, I didn’t really fit in the deaf world.
But today also reminded me that I didn’t fit in the hearing world either. I went to meet my friends for drinks after the horrible coffee date. They decided on this noisy bar and I couldn’t hear any of them when they spoke. It was hard. I kept asking them what they said and it became apparent that it was getting annoying.
I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I stopped asking them questions and I sat back and just watched everyone interact with each other. They laughed, I tried to laugh along with them, but I didn’t know what they were laughing about.
So where do I belong?
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of two gigantic worlds and no one would fully accept me. I had one hand in the Deaf world and the other in the Hearing world but no one will reach out and pull me in.
I feel alone. I thought that maybe the blind date I met for coffee would understand my loneliness, but deaf parents raised him. He was already a part of that world.
My parents were great at raising me and making sure I didn’t feel any different, but they’ll never understand that identity crisis I am going through. They don’t have that “disability” that set them a part from their peers. They’ll never have to question if someone will accept them. They’ve already been accepted.
Who am I?
I don’t know if I can answer that question. I hope I can find out soon.
Am I too old to have a diary? This feels silly to want to write in a diary, but I feel like I have no one to talk to that understands me.
Anyway, I met a guy. He is everything I ever want in a boyfriend. It didn’t even bother him that I was hard of hearing, either. He thought it was pretty neat.
We’ve been dating for a few weeks now… and we’re about to have our first “sleepover”. I put them in quotes because we all know what happens when adults have sleepovers, don’t we?
I’m nervous. Whenever I had a guy stay the night I’ve always slept with my hearing aids on in case they want to talk when we wake up, but I just got new hearing aids and they ring whenever I put my head on the pillow. I need to take them out in order to get some sleep. Will he still like me even though I can’t hear him in the morning?
Will he think I’m ignoring him as we fall asleep?
Unfortunately these questions have to be asked… those were one of the reasons why my past boyfriends broke up with me.
It was too weird for them to be dating a “deaf” girl.
He’s coming over in a couple hours. Wish me luck.
Sleepover was a success! He was patient with me when we woke up and waited for me to put in my hearing aids to talk. I feel like I found someone who truly accepts me. I’m over the moon right now.
I think we’re going to break up, soon. I could see the frustration on his face today when I kept asking him what his friends were saying at the bar we went to.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“It’s not important.”
He started to ignore me towards the end of the night.
I went home without him.
I don’t know how to fix me.
How do I make it so I don’t lose another boyfriend?
We didn’t break up.
I told him how I felt at the bar and he apologized. He said he didn’t realize how much it hurt me and how I felt pushed out of the group. He promised that the next time we all hang out it’d be in a less noisy place.
I still feel a little broken inside, but I’m glad he understands now.
I just hope it sticks.
It kind of reminded me of the time when I was in high school and my parents would have to come into a meeting with my teachers to remind them that I needed written notes for oral lectures or closed captioning for movies. The teachers always apologized, claimed they’ll change, and then do so for two weeks before returning back to their old way.
I hope he isn’t going to be like my teachers, but we’ll see.
We are still having communication issues. I’m so frustrated with him now. I thought things would change. I thought he understood. I don’t know what else to do.
Tonight we had a huge argument. I’m crying as I write. He kept saying I was overreacting.
He called me a drama queen before I left his place.
I want to stop crying. I just want to find someone who understands me. I thought he would be the one to.
I texted my friends; they’re coming over to talk. One of them is bringing wine. Hopefully I’ll feel better.
This was written in honor of Deaf Awareness Month (September).
Also, I wrote this out and realized that we haven’t gone into October and these entries continue until 2019. I didn’t want to make it seem like we were time traveling so… maybe you’ll find out what happens… next year? 😉
I had a lot of fun writing this piece, it was a different format that I’m used to. I hope you all enjoyed it!!
Also note that this is my 14th (yes 14th) short story that I’ve written in the year 2018!! I’m so excited that I’ve done this much in the past 9 months and I’m so grateful to have readers like you to follow along in my journey.
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